I know that this is totally and completely in my control. It’s all about willpower and making excuses, for me.

When Lois was pregnant and on bedrest, it was convenient for me to get take-out food and keep her company by sitting my fat ass on the couch when I was home.

Now, I have very few excuses left.

Thing is, I used to be skinny. I keep living looking back on that and saying Damn! but not changing anything.

Previously, when I had gained weight (sorta like the last few years), I got frustrated that I was gaining and threw my hands up in the air thinking “screw it, I’m just going to be fat.”

2 weeks ago, things started changing. 3 incidents made me realize where I am right now.

1. I saw pictures of my backside from the baby shower and was like “OMG! Am I that big??!?!?”

2. I ran to the mall with my mother to go suit shopping. She’s a petite 4 – as if that isn’t depressing enough. When I started law school, way back in 2000, I was a size 8. An 8. When I was in the dressing room at Lord & Taylor on this particular day, I had 2 size 16 suits that ended up being too tight in the ass. I wanted to lay down on the floor and cry.

3. I had a physical. I haven’t had a physical in years. I don’t know the results of my cholesterol test yet, but it was the weigh-in that set me off. I had a number in my head that was “fat” (for me) and that I was always far short of it – by at least 50 pounds. I got on that doctor scale and I was 5 lbs over it. WTF????????????? Are you kidding me? I was so depressed when I left there, I stopped and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper and a chocolate croissant (nice, huh?)

I am tired of being embarrased when I run into people I knew from high school or college. I am tired of being afraid to shop for clothes. I am tired of wanting to hide from the camera (even for pictures with my son)!

I am joining Weight Watchers this week. They have meetings at 7 pm on Wednesday nights, which is perfect for my schedule. I also want to get back on my running program. The thing is, I know what to do. I was a competitive Division I athlete for crying out loud. I know how to work out, what to eat, when to eat certain things, etc. It’s the drive that I think I’ve been lacking.

 I want to go on vacation with my kid at the end of July and not be mortified to wear shorts.  I want to feel good and maybe even a little sexy!

This is different from those other “back on the wagon” announcements. This time, things change.

No more excuses. I am the heaviest I have ever been. This is so ridiculous!

We just had the baby shower and I feel embarassed. I feel embarassed that the pictures we will have forever are of me so damn fat.

April 2nd was my starting date.

I am writing down every single thing I eat. And I am starting the “Couch to 5K” in 9 weeks podcast.

I have lofty goals, but something’s gotta happen.

Here we go!!!